On Writing

I started writing my dissertation this week. It sounds very grand, at least in my own mind, but I've written 6 pages so far, and even though three of them or more are cribbed from an earlier essay, they've been a struggle, every word.

I can't tell if there's a problem with my process or if it's just one of those things. I know that there's certainly much to feel uneasy about: I start writing late in the day, around 2 p.m., and I make myself sit at the computer for at least four hours. Unfortunately, not all of those hours are spent staring at the blue-and-white calm of the Word screen. I check Twitter, order articles from ILL, read gossip sites, check fellowship opportunities, order more tea, decide to update a defunct blog of my own, etc., etc., etc., ad nauseam. Not all of those activities are without merit, but none of them is writing.

I fantasize that my would be easier if I would start earlier, at 8 a.m., after a workout, a healthy breakfast, and a session of centering meditation. I fantasize that I will suddenly develop a new, stronger work ethic that will keep me at my computer for 8 hours, doing nothing but turning out brilliant prose. I will be eager to return every morning. I will not have to disguise my late starts, lack of motivation, and shoddy output from other, more diligent colleagues. I will never make this happen, is more like it.

Logically, I know that things are not that bad. I'm working on what my advisor and Anne Lamott like to call "a shitty first draft," so it doesn't have to be good. I can't get over wanting it to be, though, and I can't stop comparing myself to those more diligent. Of course, there are people who are seven years in and yet to choose a topic, let alone produce content, and I am making at least a little progress every day. Unfortunately, a little every day doesn't seem to be enough.

I don't know that there's any solution to this. Certainly it's not a unique problem, especially for dissertating graduate students. But it sucks and I needed to say so, before I go back to typing something slightly more on-task.

I need

Recipe: Bacon-Leek Quiche

I do not like bacon, but I like quiche, so. If I make this again I will probably substitute mushrooms for the bacon and add more leeks because they are seriously delicious, but some people are fanatical meat-eaters. Zucchini could be good too, I suppose, or possibly even cauliflower, although not, I would guess, broccoli. Maybe new potatoes?

1 recipe buttermilk pastry
4 leeks
8 strips of bacon, if you must
4 eggs
1 c. milk
1/2 c. heavy cream
1/2 tsp. salt
1/4 tsp. fresh-ground black pepper
pinch nutmeg
1 Tbs. dijon mustard
~1 ½ c. shredded cheese, your perferred variety (I used half mozzarella, half cheddar)

1. Make buttermilk pastry and arrange in 10" pie plate. Flute edges and prick pastry all over with a fork. Bake at 475° F. for 10 minutes or until slightly golden. Remove and cool slightly while completing filling. Lower oven temperature to 325°.

2. Thouroughly clean leeks.* Sautee leeks with bacon, if using, or with butter if not.

3. Beat eggs lightly. Mix in milk, cream, salt, pepper, and nutmeg.

4. Cover bottom of crust with mustard and ½ c. cheese. Top with leeks and remaining cheese. Pour egg mixture over; crust should be filled to within ¼" of the top.

5. Bake approximately 30 minutes, or until filling is just set. Remember to cover edges of pastry until last 10 minutes of cooking. Cool at least 10 minutes before serving.

*How to clean leeks: cut off green leaves approximately where they begin branching out from the body of the leek, perhaps slightly below. Cut leek in half lengthwise, but do not slice through the root. Rotate 90° and repeat (so leek is quartered). Slice quarter-inch cross-sections. Dump leek pieces in colander and rinse vigorously while shaking. Leeks are sandy little bastards sometimes, and nobody likes to eat grit.

Update, Somewhat Later than Scheduled

So obviously my plan to do a daily/near-daily update of comps progress, including a page count, fell by the wayside. It's probably just as well, as there's something of a disparity between the number of pages the books have and the number of pages I read.

But I marked a little milestone today; I wrote my 13th annotation, which means I'm over 1/3 of the way through my special interest list. I'm hoping to finish it and my review essay by the end of June, leaving me the rest of the summer to polish my article and finish reading my historical list. And do sundry other things before mid-to-late September, when I'm hoping to take the oral exam.

In other news, I'm watching Enchantment, which is delightful. I wasn't too gung-ho on seeing it until I saw Amy Adams in Miss Pettigrew Lives for a Day, which was a pure joy. Seriously, how cute is Frances McDormand? So cute.

Hm, it's been a while

But I have, of course, been reading.

Pages Read: Uh...let's see. 265 of Bede, 30 of "Parlement of Foules," 190 of The Tempter's Voice. I think I'm forgetting something in there somewhere, but that's what, 485 pages? Eh.

Pages written: Some

Other things accomplished: I met with my historical-list adviser on Friday to talk about what I'd read thus far and just generally check in. It went fine; he talked my ear off and I returned the favor in spades. I was pleased that even texts I had read two months ago managed to come back as I was talking about them (my mouth started and my brain kind of followed along in its wake) and I could say smart things about their themes and even bring back details. My adviser seemed pleased, as far as I could tell. If nothing else, he gave me some insider information on the job search the department's doing, so I guess he was feeling relatively well disposed toward me.

In other news, Nebraska loves Barack! (Well, the 33% of it that's Democratic does, anyway.) That's two out of the three states I've lived in. I'm not counting on Texas, frankly, but I'm hoping.

Comps Update

Read: 3650 lines of Castle of Perseverance (I don't know, 60 pages or so?), plus 70-odd other pages (40ish of Beryl Smalley's magnum opus, The Study of the Bible in the Middle Ages, and 32 pages of the Venemous Bede's The Ecclesiastical History of the English People, which is proving suprisingly readable).

Wrote: Finished an annotation, couple of pages of notes on CoP, and a bit on Smalley.

Other things accomplished: Center for the Book application assembled and sent, annotation turned into advisor and feedback received, mental meltdown at thought of having to comp in May (based on random comment from a well-intentioned faculty member; I don't think they know how seriously we graduate students take their every word sometime); special interest list redirected and partially reresearched.

Comps Update

I worked with Lindsey from 11 a.m. to 11 p.m. (with a few breaks for meals and griping here and there) today, so totals look better than usual. Amazing how having someone else with you makes you quit jacking around, if only for appearance's sake.

Pages read: 130. (Finished Brian Murdoch's The Medieval Popular Bible: Expansions of Genesis in the Middle Ages. Extremely well-supported argument that was ultimately not that insightful, but pithily written and covering a geographically huge amount of ground.)
Pages written: 2 pages of notes on MPB.

Other tasks accomplished: Rough draft of personal statement for book studies certificate program application. Helped Lindsey make a list of names that are also measurements (Graham, Miles, Elle, Jewel, Stone) for when she names her children.

Comps Update

Pages read: ~85 (Chapter 2 of BIME [total slog] and Intro-Ch. 2 of Medieval Popular Bibles)
Pages written: eh

Other tasks accomplished: Student evaluations read and 1/2 responded to, plagiarism quiz graded, job talks attended.

Highlights from Student Evaluations

I had some particularly extreme classes last semester, so I knew student evaluations were going to be especially delightful this go-round. Man, I was totally right.

Critical Comments [My response in brackets.]

• "Felt like there was one main interpretation for everything that everyone was supposed to get out of the material & I didn't understand the title of the class if that is the case."
• "Not be such a strick [sic] grader." [I get this a lot.]
• "Needs to work on new techniques of teaching besides class discussion." [Yes, I see your point. Less discussion in a discussion-based class. Let me make a note.]
• "Very long reading assignments...they were sometimes difficult to understand which required me to think more."
• "Instructor was too incompetent to merit seeing outside class." [Um, ouch. This kid also accused me of being antisemitic, of not allowing him to express himself, and of only discussing the plots of things. I just hope he asks me for a letter of recommendation someday. It makes me so mad that I gave his arrogant ass an A.]
• "Bullshit," accompanied by a drawing of two penises. [I may frame this. On seeing this eval, my officemate commented, "How nice. He drew you a little self-portrait. I wonder if he did it from memory or had to check there in class."]

Positive Comments

• "If we just sat there like bums she demanded we come up with some sort of response. This is a good trait to have as a teacher."
• "She really has a broad point of view." [Ha! Take that, stupid kid who accused me of antisemitism.]
• "Her biggest strength was being able to push a discussion that was going nowhere into soemthing interesting and somewhat intelligent."
• "Learned a lot of new vocab from Josh C." [Josh C. = suspected penis artist.]
• "I LOVED HER!" [I loved this student back. She told me in an e-mail that I have a "happy little spirit," which still makes me laugh.]
• "Some of the readings were actually exciting."
• "The atmosphere was pretty balmy." [I think he means it was a relaxed class, but it was sometimes too warm in that room.]
• "One of the best teachers I've ever had." [I feel like I should put that on a book jacket or something.]

By and large the evaluations were more positive than negative, even in the class that gave me fits all semester. Of course you always dwell on the negative comments, so now I'm concerned with my competence, even though I know that, in general, I'm capable and comfortable in front of the classroom. I resent being made to question that by a 19-year-old nippledick. It makes it very hard to be balmy.

Comps Update (for the past few days)

Pages read: ~65 (Deplorably few. Working on Biblical Imagery in Medieval England; also read an essay on historicity in medieval biblical exegesis that was interesting if excessively theoretical)

Pages written: like, half an annotation on aformentioned essay and a page of notes on BIME?

Other stuff accomplished: turned in draft of article to article director for review, finished panel organization for MMLA, instructor self-evaluation for last semester's...instruction, taught first class (seems okay? maybe?), attended two job talks, renewed and turned in the last of last semester's library books

Comps Update

Pages read: ~40 (finished Le Goff's The Medieval Imagination, which was marvellous and strange, started Biblical Imagery in Medieval England, 700-1550, which promises to be equally good if quite different)

Pages written: <1 (eh.)

Other tasks accomplished: Syllabus completed, decided topic and found secretary for M/MLA panel I'm chairing in November, sent various academic e-mails, dealt with the third grade complaint from last semester. Great.

Comps Update

Pages Read Today: ~65 (35 historical, 1 article for special interest)
Pages Written: 3 (1 annotation; 2 pages of historical list notes)
Other work accomplished: 45 minutes studying Old Norse, meeting scheduled with article advisor

It's about to get boring up in here

On the off chance a stray person wanders by due to some extremely bizarre Google search, I'm going to start using this as a way to track my progress as I study for comprehensive exams in September. Hopefully. If I don't get bored of it.